Best friends brother. Beat that.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
