my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
