During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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