i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
