I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
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