why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize