i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I deserve to be covered in dicks
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
