I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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