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I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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