I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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