My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
