man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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