she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
