Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
