All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
4 words: hood of his car
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i love accidental penises.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
