When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
