why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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