i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
