It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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