my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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