Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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