Got a toothbrush?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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