Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
