I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
