I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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