note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
