My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
my poor anus
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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