You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
