Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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