I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
