Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
They took my balls.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
