i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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