walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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