I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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