At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
