rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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