sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
