Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
My vagina is very pro this idea
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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