I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
