got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
