You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
