I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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