I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
