Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
