My Higher Power is John Stamos
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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