he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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