be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
