remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
