Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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