I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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