Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
