I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
