You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize