i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
