I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
