my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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