Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
