just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize