Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
